Friday, July 20, 2012

Bon Voyage! (and a special guest!)

Credit. And for real, how cute is this? All I did was google "Bon Voyage plane" and this little gem popped up. Before you know it, I found this cute blog! Check her out!

 Happy Friday lovelies!

At this very moment, I am soaring high above the United States in a plane on my way to Tampa! If all is going well, I'm not stressed or freaking out, and definitely won't be kissing the palm trees as I step off the plane in sunny Florida (okay, well I might, but only because I love tropical areas, and not because I was scared to death the entire flight. Hoping it's all in my head!).

I will try to pop on once or twice via iPhone to update everyone, but if I can't I will definitely be blowing up The Twit and Instagram, so be sure to stop on by those haunts if you need a fix. ;)

While I'm away I have five lovely ladies standing in for me here at the ole blog!

First up is Lex from The Lexical Gap. I don't even know where to start. Her posts are hilarious. Her vlogs are made of epic, and she is just all around a fantastic blogger that is sure to add a little pop to your reading lists. After reading her awesome post, please go check her out! Not that I need to tell you. I'm sure her post will convince you! After all, who can take a story about shop lifting and craft it so uniquely that you end up laughing your ass of at the end? Lex. That's who. Don't believe me? Keep reading. ;)

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Greetings and Rantings from across the Blogosphere

Believe it or not, I've never done one of these... I've had people write guests posts for my blog, but never have I actually written one for someone else. So this is exciting! Almost as exciting as this summer is not. I mean, are you enjoying this summer? Because… for me… I can't remember a hotter, more boring, more soul-sucking three months in all my life. I cannot wait until school starts. I'd rather be studying than counting zolpidem tartrate for eight hours straight. Which is a very tiny pill to count, mind you. And the stupid Vitamin D2 capsules wobble all over the place, and then you drop the entire bottle, and hell ensues...

Right. I should probably introduce myself because I'm certain you probably don't know me and may be wondering why this strange person is unloading her crazy stream of consciousness on you without any certain context. 

The name's Lex. Hi. I'm insane. And I'm going to be talking writing at you for the next few paragraphs because your friend and mine, Sam, is off in Florida having the most splendiferous of times. Or at least I think so. Because the beach is the best place (with the obvious exceptions of Hogwarts and my grandma's house). 

So anyway. I am female. I am twenty. And I am short. I go to pharmacy school, which is why I spend my days counting pills and cursing under my breath. I reside on the more nerdy end of the People Spectrum, and I'm really quite okay with that. Some things I am fond of include: doughnuts, procrastinating, freaking out about procrastinating, Ryan Gosling, complaining, books, Band Aids, glitter, Harry Potter, movie theaters, writing, British things, crafting, Emma Stone, The Die Hard movies, musicals, dancing, Robert Pattinson, buying makeup I don't use, Barnes and Noble, and owls.

But enough about me. It's time to complain about the world.

Every once in a while, because I'm the low man on the totem pole, and not quite a fully-fledged pharmacy intern at CVS, I get chosen to work the front cash register in one of those awful navy blue shirts. I know. My life is truly terrible... #firstworldproblems

Along with the general agony of being a slave to the retail world, there have been a few unique instances accompanying this pain-in-the-neck job that have really stood out. True enlightenment when I least expected it. The one I want to talk about today happens to be The Evil Child Conundrum.

I love kids. Seriously. And I'm usually really good with them. I talk to them almost like they're adults so they feel important. And that usually makes them feel like they can say whatever they want to me. And those things are usually of the "extremely cute" variety.  I'm a sucker for adorable. But I have to tell you, the little girl who was shopping with her mom and little sisters last Saturday, was not your average charming six-year-old. Let's just say that a little man in red was sitting on her shoulder, holding a pitchfork and whispering into her ear.

I'm a cynic on the best of days, but catch me on a bad day at work, and I'm nothing short of contemptuous. This may be cause for bias, but I can assure you that I'm really trying to be objective here. She was evil. I could tell that her mom was frazzled. It's hard to shop with your four children who think it's appropriate to run around and scream while you're just trying to find the right box of Corn Flakes. But she was dealing quite well, considering. 

They finally made it up to the cash register and I started to ring up their purchases. The two youngest girls were arguing about something, and the mom was hurriedly looking through her wallet. During all of this confusion, the oldest daughter stared at me with this creepily blank face. She didn't smile, or frown, or raise her eyebrows. Nothing. All of the sudden she raised her hand to the counter. It was clenched around something pink. She put her hand into the bag that I had just put all of their items in, and dropped whatever she was holding into the bag. Through all this, she continued to stare at me.

My mind was running fast. "What is happening? Is that little girl stealing something right in front of me? Maybe it was a toy she had when she came in. I can't ask her… what would I even say? 'Did you steal that, Darling? Give it here.'? No! I can't say that. I'm not going to be that person. I can't be the one to ruin her mother's perception of her, because she probably thinks her kid's a little angel (little does she know, her daughter is actually taking orders from the other shoulder). You know what? The way she's staring at me… it's almost like she's testing me. Daring me to say something. I bet she's just loving this. She knows I won't say anything. She knows

This scares me. You may think I'm overreacting, but if you could have seen her face, you would know that I'm not. Is this what the world is coming to? She isn't the only child who I've seen act this way. What's more is that parents haven't a clue. These manipulative children are going to take over the world and destroy your happiness.

I, for one, am frightened. Lock your doors, folks. The little girl is coming for you.

~Lex

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Dying.

Your posts make me jealous. Only real writers can take every day happenings and turn them into fantastically entertaining stories. If I wasn't already addicted to your blog like a fat kid to cake, I would be hooked after this!

Thank you so much Lex again for contributing and keeping my blog from collecting dust while I'm away! Loved this post as always, and can't wait to catch up on your blog when I get back!