Wednesday, December 19, 2012

finally posting

I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm numb. I'm sad. I'm worried.

I did not know personally any of the people killed on Friday.

To be perfectly honest, it is a little odd to me even, just how deep of a wound the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting left in me.

I don't even know where to start. I have so many thoughts and feelings and words running through my head, for me to share them all would be a confusing, messy stream of consciousness. But, maybe that's the only way to clear my head. To get it out of my head. Where it has been lingering like a black cloud for the last several days.

I know we are closing in on a week since the tragedy. And that I've been pretty silent about this on the blog lately. And it's finally not constantly on my mind. But even so, it feels as though I can't resume normal posting until I share at least some of my thoughts.

I'm angry. This is my state. My home. My mom's brother and sister both live in the next town. My cousin lives in Newtown. I have been to Newtown. Before Friday, the word "Newtown" to me triggered thoughts of Starbucks in the summertime. My cousin's house. Warm weather, sunny days. Regular old Connecticut life that I loved. And now? A mere man has the nerve to come into my state and in a matter of minutes, destroy any sense of familiarity, family, memories, fun, love, innocence... How dare he. This is my backyard. Newtown is my town, just in a different area. It is small. Everyone knows everyone. "Neighboring town" doesn't mean much, because it all feels like one anyway.

We're small here in Connecticut. The ripples don't need to travel far for all of us to feel them.

I'm angry. The term "elementary school" has an immediate association with innocence. Little kids. Laughter. Recess. The images in my head that I kept seeing all day long on Friday at work as footage played constantly on all 11 TVs? Light-up sneakers. Letters to Santa Claus. The word "shooting" should never been the in same sentence as "elementary school."

I got home from work that night and burst into tears on the phone with my mom as I described an image I had seen earlier that day on TV of a little girl clinging to her dad with a big green scrunchie in her hair. The mom who put it in her hair that had no idea what was about to unfold at her child's school. The adorable outfits little kids wear. The thought of those little outfits, the light up sneakers on the 20 six & seven-year-old children who weren't coming home Friday to a house decorated for Christmas. To gingerbread houses. To presents under the tree, or the last of the Hanukkah celebrations.

The light-up sneakers.

I'm numbed. This can happen anywhere. If it had happened here, I would have known these people. The children who were stolen from us.

I'm numb. I don't think I even turned on my computer until Monday night. And that was only because part of a final was due. Twitter, Facebook, and Blogging? I don't think the urge even crossed my mind. Which, if you know me, is not normal. I live on Twitter and Facebook. Blogging made up a decent part of my life. For the last several days, I haven't managed to care.

I'm numbed. Seeing "Newtown, Connecticut" pop up all over twitter, from the mouths of celebrities and random other Americans alike... it was bizarre. A little town in a little state... in minutes, the whole country knows its name.

I'm sad. Truly heartbroken for the parents of the young. For the family and friends of the adults. No news story has ever been able to rattle me like this one has. I can't even type this with a dry eye. I look at children differently now. In Starbucks this afternoon, I sat across from a kindergartener talking to her mom about her day at school. All I could think to myself was, "her mom must feel so lucky." Or, "how can someone look at a sweet little face like this and do something like that?"

I'm worried. Is nothing sacred anymore? Nothing safe? School was a place of safety. A place where you learned with all your friends. You had recess and snack time. Now what? Now we have to lock down our schools? What is happening to the world? Can I be honest and say, in comparison to this madness and mayhem, the whole "world ending" thing is looking more and more promising? Is it wrong that in a moment of weakness after the shooting, I actually hoped that it would? I have wanted to be a mom since I was thirteen years old. Over ten years I have wanted this. And this madness? How dare it try and take that dream away from me. I hate that it is to the point where it almost feels selfish to want to bring a kid into the world. Am I looking for a Utopia? Of course not. But really, when you look at the news from the last week alone.

20 children killed at Sandy Hook (12/14).
22 kids slashed by a man with a knife in China (12/14).
10 girls in Afghanistan killed by a land mine (12/17).

I mean, come on.

ARE WE EVEN TRYING!?

How many children have to die before we wake up and smell the coffee? Violence doesn't do anything but punish the innocent. The only 'message' it sends is that people are f***ing insane.

I am angry. I hate last Friday. I hate that this happened. I hate that after all of that, the gunman took the coward's way out. I am angry that parents had to go home Friday night without their babies.

This past Friday took a piece of my soul with it.

I promise my blogging will get back to normal soon.