Friday, October 5, 2012

things I have learned from LMN.

I love my boyfriend Anthony.

I love hanging out with him.

I am not too fond of days where I don't get to see him for at least a little while.

However, in that deep, devastating pit of free time where he is being studious working on architecture-related homework, and I am being lazy, concocting ways to exploit my "work drama" to score a reality show and thus meet the Kardashians, I often like to shove time fillers. One of those fillers happens to be the one and only Lifetime Movie Network.

We all love Lifetime movies. Where else can you find such a deranged collection of characters, plots, and emotions all coiled together into one theatrical shit-show like a perfectly crafted roll of sushi?

Not to mention all the great lessons you can learn from these movies.

Some of the delectable morsels of knowledge I have taken from such flicks?

1. It's really easy to sneak out of a hospital.
For real. From a chick being locked down in a psych ward for being schizophrenic and seeing the ghosts of murder victims of a particular case she was working on to a recovering coma patient who is under arrest as a murder suspect. Whatever the reason for their imprisonment, these women always find a way to Jack Bauer their way out of their hospital room without any sort of security being able to detect or stop them.

This is before the psych ward. :-O

2. Where in real life time is of the essence, in Lifetime land, time is on your side.

I was watching Deadly Sibling Rivalry (does that not just scream "lifetime movie!") last night and one main character was an excellent rock climber, the other, her twin, sucked at it, and apparently life as well. Towards the end, Sporty Twin's daughter had very unrealistically been pitched over a cliff by Loser Twin who was evidently a fervent psychopath. Of course, as luck would have it, the kid lands on the side of the cliff like Spider Man, with a good footing and decent hand placement. Big shot rock climber mom decides she is going to put her skillz to use, and leaves her dangling for a good 5 minutes at least while she runs to some shed full of rock climbing equipment with no more than a heartwarming, "hold on- I'll be right back!" -- "I'll try, mom!"* exchange. While in the shed, she makes time to peruse said equipment until she finds the right stuff, and beat up Loser Twin who was trying to kill her with a garden rake. Did I mention this was like, a day after waking up from a coma? Someone was pounding the Red Bull that day.

* Who says, "I'll try!" to a state-the-obvious comment like that? How about an "if I don't, I'll die. I love you!" or "Hurry!" or something equally more realistic?
Spoiler alert!

3. The more safe and secure your gated community is, the higher the likelihood that someone will try to kill you.
In Love Thy Neighbor, a family moves into a gated community after a traumatic break-in. After a shocking plot twist, lightening struck twice in the same spot and they moved in next to a raging lunatic who killed their cat, stabbed their daughter in the leg (I think?), and tried to kill the mom. Then, in Panic Button, same theme. Family tries to reestablish a sense of normalcy after a hinted-at traumatic incident involving the wife. They pack up and move to a gated community. Ah, safe. Oh but wait, as it turns out, they picked the exact house that Mr. Sociopath I-wear-all-black-all-the-time lives next door to. And, as luck would have it, he becomes obsessed with the wife and tries to get rid of the husband who almost cheated on her while away on business. Don't worry, husband learned from his mistake and in his next life divorced his wife before finding someone else on Pretty Little Liars where he plays Hanna's dad.

Ah, gated communities. Apparently all this time they have just been working to keep the crazy inside, not out. ;)

Believe it or not, this is the normal family.

Oh Lifetime. What would we do without you?

What are your favorite Lifetime movies?

Have a great Fall weekend! :)