Sunday, November 18, 2012

homework, and the fiscal why's

In case my incessant dramatic moaning and groaning about work wasn't enough to convince everyone who is sick of hearing about it that I am ready for a new job, I threw together a nice little spreadsheet to sort of iron out any confusion: my job blows.

Let's talk taxes. As in, they suck. I learned this from a homework assignment (speaking of suck-age) I just completed.

I had to invent a fake business and create a fake payroll spreadsheet so that the professor could drill fake Excel skills into our head by way of an unexpectedly frustrating online computer class.

As I was documenting the fake pay of my fake employees, I saw what is involved with dipping into the paychecks of the hard workers of America and feeding it to the government so that they can spend it on wars and such. How it is that the amount is calculated, and how many different ways we are taxed.

Of course, I always knew taxes were a bummer.

But, as we also know, in terms of professionalism, my work is on the outside looking in. So, unsurprisingly, we don't have consistent pay stubs (in fact, we get personal checks more often than not), and so I don't often realize how much of my money gets sent off to pay the piper.

Come work for me. I promise there is plenty of Kardashian down time.

Seriously, just look at this. No, not at how adorable my earth-toned Excel spreadsheet is (ha), but that if you make $720 in a pay period, you only see $532 of that? Psh. Say it with me people-- horseshit. How do they expect any of us to buy my 2010 Lexus RX?

With this in mind...

I just calculated my own pay. (Look at me go, taking education to the next level and actually applying it to real life situations for the first time in my 23 years.) 

I know it's in bad taste, but I'm about to divulge to you how much I make. Try not to be jealous of the overwhelming digits following the dollar sign.

Yes. I realize you are all probably drowning in the waves of shock, but I'm going to continue. I make $6/hour at that hellhole. I know. Slavery. Why the heck haven't I quit yet? Working on that one.

So anyway, while your eyes glaze over at the killing I am making as a waitress at the rapidly sinking Titanic of restaurants, let's break this baby down.

Say I work 18 hours one week at a whopping $6 per every torturous hour I spend there. What I should take home, in a perfect world (well, to be honest would be a bit more), would be roughly $108 buckaroos. But apparently, in the United States of America, instead of earning $108 for myself, I earned $18.41 for the country, and $4.32 for my broke-ass state (Connecticut). Leaving me, the one actually doing the work, with a grand old $85.27 for one work week. Honestly, it's a miracle I can afford the Starbucks.

Holy hell there, uncle Sam! Quit stealing my money! But hey, in comparison to the fake numbers I crunched using my fake Excel skills, I'd much rather lose $18.41 to The Man than $158.40.

... but then again, I'd also rather be taking home $532.80 over $85.27.

Ah, good ole US of A. The more you make the more you lose. So, I guess it's all relative, but for now, my whopping income of $108 bucks a week only has me losing about $20. 

When did you realize how much uncle Sam takes from you?

Or are you like me, and pretend that tax returns are just mini lottery wins? ;)

Keep your fingers crossed that by the next tedious spreadsheet assignment, I will have some perkier numbers to crunch for myself... shh!