Friday, November 16, 2012

why you shouldn't snack on body parts

Brace yourselves, I'm about to whine.

I know what you're thinking-- that's weird, she never does that. Her blog is pure bliss. Like a bottomless glass of wine.

But not today, people. Not today. Why?

Because I'm a nail biter, and I did that thing that I proudly haven't done in forever where you nibble just a little bit too far because you're stressed, or nervous, or bored, or hungry, or something. I don't remember why I was biting. I'd probably have to think back to childhood when I started this grotesque habit to seemingly replace my thumb-sucking to figure out the psychological need to chew on my fingers. But I do remember the where, and that it hurt like a freaking bitch, and it still does, and it's pissing me off.

It's my right index finger. Yes, a primary tool for typing. I'm trying to use my middle finger in its place, but after countless typos and more frustration, I've decided to suck it up and just wince through the pain for the sake of this stupid post. That I don't need to be typing. At 2:30 am. The wee hours of the morning of the day I work a double. That I'm also dreading.

Luckily, I'm one of those weirdo left-handed creatures. So, thankfully, tomorrow morning, noon, and night when I am hating my job and scribbling down food order after food order, my hand won't be a gnarly, mangled mess of throbbing physical suffering.

However, I have noticed a handful of difficulties and limitations imposed by my new found disability.

  • Typing, obviously, as I just mentioned. 
  • Hitting the power button on my iPhone? Ouch.
  • Washing my hands -- the water doesn't feel as good as you'd think.
  • Making peanut butter and jelly. I just wanted a sandwich.
  • Helping Anthony cut a piece of wood for some architecture model using a table saw. This also proved to be detrimental to my hearing and vision. Not Recommended.
  • Changing the song in the car.
  • Ignoring the annoying pulsing STING in my finger while trying to go about the rest of my night.

It's rough.

Another downside? I now have to trim all of my other nails to match the length of the gimp one. And repaint them so that people don't think I got into a fight with Maddie. Or volunteered my fingers to be ten little chew toys for her.

So yeah, I bite my nails. I don't recommend doing it.

The cons certainly outweigh the pros, being that there are no pros.

Carry a Cliff Bar. Or gum. Don't chew on your body parts.

Did I mention I got on the computer at 2am to quickly complete and submit some online homework that's due tomorrow that I forgot about? Yeah... that didn't happen. There's another tip for you: don't take online classes. But that's a cautionary tale for another day...