Dearest blog friends,
I thought I would be so kind as to impart some of my coveted wisdom onto thee.
Some small tokens of knowledge I have learned so far in this here twenty-thirteen.
one. Contrary to popular belief (aka mine) purchasing a Mac does not make you a better blogger or writer. Which is a disappointing realization. Apple computers look like they open up this whole new realm of creativity and possibilities. False. Its sexy little keyboard and the satisfying click of every keystroke may make you want to write or blog more... but as for the content of what you're writing? Same as before. I want my money back.
two. Shouting profanities at the top of your lungs while inhaling a bagel does not actually work to make the slow, fart, idiot, jerk, ass****, snail car in front of you move any faster than their mediocre barely-obeying-the-speed-limit, killing-my-downhill-neutral-coasting excuse for a crawl.
three. Making an attempt at self-control while doing homework, and going so far as to not even turn the TV on in the first place doesn't actually help you get more work done. As, you see, the internet is still readily available. In fact, I'm putting off homework as I type this very post!
four. Watching the Oprah Winfrey Network religiously like it's your job every morning doesn't actually teach you how to be like Oprah. In fact it just makes you angry that you can't be more like her. Even if you don't necessarily like her in the first place. (Guilty.) Which makes you like her even less.
five. It may be 2013. The age of computers, and iPhones, and tablets where you can activate your home security system from work, or school, or heck, a public bathroom, if that's what you're into. And yet, despite these mind-blowing, constant forward-moving advancements in technology, not a one person has managed to come up with a way to make these little bastards roll straight.
Can I get an "Amen"?