Tuesday, February 7, 2012

consider yourself lucky

It's PMS time. =]

Dear Maddie,
You are adorable. And I love you, I really do. For some reason, you and your cuteness has lodged itself deep inside my heart, and thus I have this unconditional love that allows me to bypass the desire to send you back to Indiana when you shit all over my kitchen floor. Seriously. Like right now, when you haven't pooped all day, and I'm scared to let you out of the crate and roam the house out of fear you might drop something off, and you are sitting down there whining (or possibly attempting to sing along with MMM'Bop.. yes, broski is seriously listening to that). Right now I kind of want to hate you, but for whatever reason, I just can't. You are one lucky pup. I don't know many other puppies that have shat all over the floor for 3 months and haven't been delivered a nice "love tap" on the ass a time or two. Consider yourself lucky.

Dear Cyclists,
Do you have a death wish? Because I can't think of a single other reason why you would choose to ride your dinky little bikes on main roads, rather than the B I K E paths. You know, the road-like scenic path that goes literally for miles throughout Connecticut for your pesky hobby? The word "bike" is in the name. So I am left to assume that the only reason you choose to pretend you are a car and stop at traffic lights yet run stop signs (wtf?!) stems from a subconscious desire to injure yourself. Please, take a minute and consider yourselves lucky that I endanger myself and other drivers to swerve to the other side of the road to make sure you and your bikes don't get clipped. On the road. Meant for cars. Not. Bikes.

Dear Employees of Stop & Shop,
Please, stop. Whatever it is you are doing in the frozen food section. I couldn't get to my delicious SmartOnes frozen dinners because you had everything sitting in the middle of the aisle in grocery carts, no doubt melting. I even went back later in the day to try again, and the stuff was still there. I get cranky when I can't eat. Consider yourself lucky that I am an extreme food whore and thus will not forfeit my Stop & Shop patronage.

Dear Patriots Fans,
Dude, I get it. I am one. It sucks that the team lost, bust seriously, STFU already. As I said yesterday, the teams shake hands and make nice after the game. You are just fans. You aren't members of the team, they don't care how you feel, and they don't love you any more for devoting annoying FB status after annoying FB status to the fact that you apparently think Giants fans suck (eyeroll). You are just making the fan base look bad. So please, move on, there is always next season. Just be happy the Pats even got to the bowl. Winning shminning. It's getting there that matters. Consider yourself lucky I'm not braver on FB, because a certain someone would be getting an earful about how he pretends to be giant and macho but whines and cries when his team loses. Yes, I may or may not have made yesterday's FB status for one person. Yes, it's great if you win. It says a lot about the team and the people. But it's even better and says even more if you can lose graciously. Comprende?

Dear Starbucks,
I have no qualms with you. You, your coffee (blonde roast, holla!), and most importantly, your Caramel Brulee Latte keep me sane in times of premenstrual crisis. I consider myself lucky that you merely exist. Love you!

xoxo,
PMS Sam