I was making a quick pit stop on my way home from school because I wanted a sandwich. Certain members of my family (aka Broski) tend to take the last of something and either not replace it, or not let anyone know it's gone. (ie. milk, cheese, etc.) Then the innocent pigs (aka myself) wander down looking for a sandwich, and all we (aka I) have to put on the bread is mayonnaise and lettuce. Yum?
NO.
Anyway, I got my items together and headed off to see my best friend, the self checkout. Normally it's all well and good, pleasant experience all around. In, out, and onto the stuffing of the face.
Not this time, folks. Not. this. time.
So I thought, before I go on to my story, I would take a moment to make a note about an invisible rule. A silent understanding that comes with the foreign gadget that is.....
THE SELF CHECKOUT.
Let's begin.
__________________________________________________________________
I present to you, the self checkout at Stop & Shop.
We all love it, no? I mean, how can you not?
It is playtime for our inner children. Fulfilling the childhood dream of being a cashier. Don't shake your heads no -- I know we all at one time or another played "store". Scanning items, pushing buttons, fake money? You know, back when in our minds, being a cashier was the greatest job on this big blue marble?
Not to mention, the self-checkout makes it super simple to grab those fun feminine products, dart to the lane, zip in, zip out, and not have to endure even one awkward "hey, don't judge me, we all bleed red!" moment from any male cashier or bag boy alike.
Or hey, maybe you just don't feel like being social today.
Up against this mountain of positives, how can you deny that the self-checkout was the single most useful addition to grocery stores since the free sampling (aka lunch time) at Costco?
Of course, though, with all good things, come a set of rules you need to follow. And of course, those who don't follow them. I had a run-in with one of those people yesterday. But first, the most important rule (or guideline, if you will) to the self checkout:
RESPECT THE F*ING SPACE BUBBLE.
Don't be scared. I suspect there are only a handful of offenders, as I've only encountered this a mere couple of times. Basically, give the person in front of you room to get their shit done. Don't hover. It's nice to respect a minimum of three feet between the person checking out, and the first person in line behind them.
With that in mind...........
As I was saying, I was shopping for last-minute items, and was using a coupon because I am a college student who tends to misplace her cheese & lettuce money at Kohl's & Target.
I'm mid-scanning, and a woman (who had apparently tragically fallen into a pool of perfume that day) and her husband strolled in behind me to wait.
As I'm scanning in my wrinkly, bottom-of-my-purse-since-last-Sunday coupon, Perfume Lady starts plopping her shit down inside the pile of baskets where I had just put my empty basket. This is right below where you swipe your credit card. I managed to quell the eye-roll that was desperately trying to escape, and continued to wrestle with my coupon so that the darn machine would scan it.
Let's face it: I was starving. Cranky. Not in the mood, lady.
If you couldn't tell, I'm not a huge fan of this hovering thing.
If you're paranoid like me, then your inner red flags are waving frantically as your brain is looking for its pepper spray screaming "back up off my debit card PIN number, you crazed thief!1!!1!!!" AKA, "please don't stand right in front of the credit card swipey thing."
Feeling rushed and pressured to hurry up, I more fiercely started rubbing my coupon on the scanner in ways that would make grandma raise an eyebrow. I couldn't help it-- this machine was just not taking my coupon. I think it knew I was getting flustered and was mocking me.
Much to my relief, it finally went through, and asked me to insert said coupon. Since there was only one, of course the machine didn't notice when my 0.0000000001 ounce strip of paper slid into the slot. So I'm waiting, and waiting
................................ and waiting
................................................. and waiting.
Meanwhile, Perfume Lady is still right next to me, but now she is poking around the lane, inspecting a receipt left behind by a former customer. Looking it over and just being nosy. Then she looked at my screen, no doubt wondering what was taking me so long, and then was all, "I think it wants you to insert your coupon".
Mind you, the screen was a faded purple color, blank other than big black words reading "INSERT COUPONS NOW."
Feeling the temperature of my tepid blood go up a degree or two, I said, "I already did, it's not detecting it or something." While in my head I'm thinking, "really? As long as we are shining lights on obvious facts, can we talk about how much perfume you're wearing?" while violently poking the "Help" button, to no avail.
She then starts scoping out other checkout lanes. Phew, the one behind mine opened up, and she started to gather her things. Finally, I can make a fool of myself in peace.
Determined to get my $1 off my 2/$6 boxes of FiberOne bars of individually wrapped sticks of chocolate-covered fiber, I was now desperate enough to seek help. There was a friendly looking pretty girl in a purple Stop & Shop shirt, not far away.
ThankyousweetbabyJesus.
She must have seen my eye twitching in frustration as I approached her, and came right over saying that this "happens all the time." She, as if by magic, scanned something here, hit a button there, and POOF! I was able to pay and GTFO.
Thank you, my friendly Stop & Shop savior!
I packed up my stuff and darted out of the store giving one last stink-eye to Perfume Lady. Ha. That showed her.
Well. If she had seen me, it undoubtedly would have. ;)
In closing, respect the space of fellow self checkout users! We don't like to be crowded, and chances are, we don't like people! :p
And because you have been so good and stuck with me until the end (which was a lot farther from the beginning than I had anticipated), here-- have a chance or 3 to win a $10 Starbucks gift card on me.
Giveaway ends Sunday!
Bahahahaha, I straight up would told that lady to back up off my shit. I mean, really? What are people thinking these days!?
ReplyDeleteP.S. why am I just now noticing my little ol' blog up on your page!? I HEART YOU, girlfriend! I might have to have a pint of B&J's tonight in honor of you :)
I would have flipped on her! I generally wait at the back of the self check out for one to open. I HATE hoveres. So glad I found and followed you!
ReplyDeleteI HATE it when people invade my space at the check out line. My mom has straight up told people t back off when it happens to her!
ReplyDeleteI hardly use them anymore. I get scared. One time I was checking out and had a bunch of yogurts and I guess 2 of the 10 didn't scan. They looked at me (yeah i am mid 20's and look about 17) and thought I was stealing crap. It has haunted me since.
ReplyDeleteI loathe self checkout! It inevitably takes me 10x longer because I'm an idiot. For real.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, this is hilarious! First, I hate the self checkout because it always craps out on me. Second, I hate the closer talker/walker/waiter/whatever! This is America...back off. My husband laughs at me because I will stop in the middle of the mall to let someone go around me because they are just too close! ha!
ReplyDeleteBe sure to stop by my blog, I'm hosting a giveaway!
I love the self checkout in general, but I do take issue with some other people who use it. The people who stand behind you practically breathing down your neck as you run your items through is probably my biggest peeve with the self checkout. Actually I hate it whenever people stand too close to me, no matter the situation, but it usually happens in lines at a store, or when someone I undoubtedly dislike is leaning further and further into my personal space as they're talking to me.
ReplyDeleteI must say you committed another self checkout sin in my book, and that is trying to use a coupon at the self checkout. I might forgive it, since it's just one coupon. I have stood behind people who are feeding dozens of coupons into the little slot. It is maddening.
Other self checkout sins include (but are not limited to): checking out more than a dozen items, and being incapable of using modern technology (octogenarians, please, I beg you, just go to the cashier).
I actually hate self checkout. (for many reasons...too many to name here) I got a good laugh while reading this entry though, mainly because I saw this ALL THE TIME while I worked at....well...Stop and Shop.
ReplyDeleteHahaha, this is such a great post! I can't stand people like her, I also can't stand self checkout, I always feel like I screw something up!
ReplyDeleteHahaha! This is hilarious. I had to buy medicine for my husband on my lunch break yesterday, and I went through the self checkout. I will never do that again at that store because as I scanned things, it would LOUDLY announce what it was and the price. It was humiliating. TOTALLY unnecessary. Just thank the Lord I wasn't buying tampons or something. I would've died.
ReplyDeleteI don't use the self-checkout that often for the sole fact that every time I do, it doesn't detect my placing the item in the bag and asks if you want to skip bagging. Then it goes crazy and says I can't do something & I have to wait for help. This happened like 4 times in one self-checkout session, I kid you not!
ReplyDeletelol I agree with the space bubble! I don't use self checkout unless I absolutely have to but I used to use it a lot. The thing yells at me when I don't bag an item!!
ReplyDeleteI have serious space issues anyway, self check out or not. I get super annoyed when people get too close, when the self check out lanes are closed or when someone has more than 10 items in 10 items or less. not ok :)
ReplyDeletenew follower from Adventures of Newlyweds!